Month from Hell in a handbasket!

So - I am fast forwarding, eventually the gaps will fill - but I have been in charge of Moms care since New Years of 2020.  Her husband passed away on hospice and I moved in the week prior to his death.   Thank God they had some cash in a safe which allowed me to pay two ladies we found and I could go back to work.  They covered the days and my husband & I did the nights & weekends  (I have the worlds greatest husband).  You don't realize the toll it takes to put your whole family aside and uproot your life.  Not to mention the added stress from the actual unknown and having your Moms life and future in your hands. Even for a week - never mind an entire month (& beyond)  

We started digging into the finances.  This was a job in itself!  We were thrilled to find that Mom had a decent amount of money tucked away for her care - AND she has a long term care insurance policy.  The policy covers a decent amount, I actually had thought about trying to get her in a facility when her husband was alive because he was sick and her care was suffering greatly.  He said absolutely not he wants my Mom to die in the home.  (That is a blessing because that is what I want and I have zero problem spending every penny of her money making that happen).  We looked into 24-7 home care companies and doing the math realized quickly it wouldn't work for us.  

I bit the bullet and put an ad up on Care.Com.  I started searching caregivers and looking for the ones that had on their profiles that they were open to a live in position.  I sent a message to Moms current live in.  We talked over text, then we talked over the phone. We met in person with my whole family.   I checked all her references and they were glowing!!  The situation worked for her and it worked for Mom.  I hired her on the spot and she was to start on Feb 1st 2021!

HOW was it only a month since her husband had died?!  That could not be true!  Some of his family members just couldn't understand why I was in such a hurry.  Judging me, while offering no help and actually causing a ton of stress.  Yes they were grieving but I learned quickly that my Mom's husband did a great job of making sure nothing went smooth for myself or my Mother.  And also making himself out to be such a loving and misunderstood husband.  He tried to act like Mom not liking him was the illness.  He tried to act like he did nothing to cause the rift between my family and him!  Well here is the deal.  My Mom has her Angels on her side and they have my back!  I will win this ultimate battle and my Mom will have a wonderful love filled ending - even if it kills me!! Which it just may honestly my stress levels are through the roof.  He won't win this battle.  He made his bed, I am the most forgiving person in the world - but the things he did are not forgivable in my eyes.  

I am a Libra, I like peace, and harmony - happiness and roses!! This was none of the sort!  This was fear, and doubt and frustration and lonliness and stomachaches and self doubt, tossed with family drama caused by an angry vindictive man who's goal was to punish me from the grave.  I am a Libra - and if I want peace and love and harmony I have to learn to let that go - maybe even cough cough FORGIVE???? I don't know - thats for another day. 

The final heartbreak

September of  2011, Mom, Myself  My Moms sister (her best friend, my favorite Aunty) and her  daughters my cousins were heading to our annual Girls Weekend Away trip.    We knew there would be fun and laughter maybe some yelling, crying, fighting, you really never knew what was in store with us!  Spirited fun loving italian ladies "the kids" with two fun crazy sisters (our Moms) who shared with us their love of shopping and hunting bargains.  We left behind the husbands, children, jobs and responsibilites and  got ready to Shop till we Drop and Party into the night for the weekend. 

This weekend there were secrets revealed one to my Mom and one to all of us.  My Mom confided with us that her marraige of over 35 years was over and that it had been for 6+ years! She had explained that he moved out of their bedroom and into the spare bedroom without an explanation.  I still remember her stroking his neck as they danced to "Look at Us" by Vince Gill at their 25th Anniversary.  My Mom was head over heels for this man, she pretty much devoted her life to him.  She rushed us kids out the door as soon as we were of legal age.  She then wrapped herself up with him and  proceeded to have so much fun and relive her twenties that she missed out on by getting pregnant and ultimately marrying the wrong man.  She begged him to tell her why, what did she do that would cause him to leave and not speak with her. He finally did tell her, although what he had said wssn't true and he wouldn't believe her.  She often said she suspected he had a stroke, or something, she just couldn't wrap her head around it.  They lived a lie for years, it was a long slow tortured time for her,  I feel these years contributed to her withdrawal from life. 

The other secret we weren't privvy to was my Aunts health, she had a brain aneurism.  She confided in my Mom and we found out after Christmas that she was going to have surgery to fix it.  My Aunt died on the table and my mom may as well have died right next to her because life was never the same.  

I will cross that bridge when I get there...

For as long as I can remember my Mom has been my protector, my best friend, my confidant, my cheerleader!  She always lit up when she saw my face or heard my voice on the daily phone calls or shopping trips we have had over the years.  My Mom had a pretty rough beginning, she had some serious fun, she had some huge heartaches,  the final one being from the man she gave everyone up for.  I will tell our story over time, I am absolutely dedicated to giving her a happy ending - despite the horrific news she got,  and literally never even cared about.  

You see, my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease a few years ago.  As time goes on, I am beginning to doubt this diagnosis.  Am I in denial?  It is definitely possible.  But I decided to write this blog after I dove into Alzheimers, made myself want to throw up and cried myself to sleep after tossing the book the doctor recommended and the computer with all the horror stories aside.  My Mom always says (to this day) "this too shall pass" and "tomorrow is a new day" and everything will work itself out!  I heard her voice in my head and decided to embrace a new mantra and I remind myself often.  "I will cross that bridge when I get there"  I decided to live in the moment and enjoy the time and special moments I have left with my beautiful Mother.  I grieved her that night.  I grieved the relationship that we once had for as long as I can remember.  That Mom is gone, the tables have been turned, I am now the mother, best friend, protector and cheerleader to her. I do get glimpses from time to time, more often now than ever.  And I can still talk to her and she can give me her same soothing advice.  It's imbedded in her memory, or maybe she's just doing so much better lately, since the stress finally went out of her life.

I am no great writer by any way shape or form.  My vocabulary is pretty basic and honestly I have never been good at writing or knowing exactly where the comma's go and I am in love with the exclamation point.  I usually have to go back and take some out because I sound just waaaaay to excited.  I write run on sentences and switch from present to past tense in any given paragraph.  I will do my best to proof read and try to make sure it make sense and hope you don't hold it against me!  If I try too hard to have a perfect sentence, I feel like the content will suffer.   That being said my kids have told me over the years I can write a mean letter!!!  I feel things very deeply.  I analyze everything!  I am always looking for solutions and trying to fix problems and relationships (that matter to me).   I am pretty impulsive and sometimes I regret the things I do and say when I lose my temper.   Thank GOD the people who mean everything to me understand this about me and are loving and forgiving and take my temper tantrums with a grain of salt.  The ones that don't understand I honestly have no regrets about and have never tried to make amends with or apologize to.   These people wouldn't like to read this blog, they want to hate me and blame me for everything that went down.  I know the truth, and I pray they never even find this blog.  I hope the people who do find it are ones who have gotten this life changing news about themselves or a loved one - and they find comfort and hope from our story.  Hopefully they can decide to cross that bridge when they get there and try to live in the present.   

I always say my Mom's Angels are working overtime up there because the last 6 months has been nothing short of miraculous.  Thank you for all your help Aunty, Grampy and the rest of our Angels  <3 We love and miss you!!!