Why am I so dramatic?

Seriously?!  Everything happens for a reason!  I literally went back to my first Journal Entry on 10/12/20. Her husband went in the hospital and I needed to take care of my Mom. I was SO SCARED!  I didn't know what was going to happen!  I always knew I would take care of her - I mean who else would besides me?  And because I OWE it to her!  She has been the best Mom and lifelong friend that a girl could ask for!  Whenever there was an issue or problem in my life - Call Mom. When I'm bored - Call Mom- When I need help - Call Mom .  When I need to kill time while I clean my house - CALL MOM!  Who's gonna get up at 3AM to go black friday shopping?  Mom of course!  I mean - she was literally my other half! Who was my champion every single time something happened in my life - MOM - Who was the one who cheered for me when things went my way? MOM - Who loves my husband as much as me? (hubby # 3 - Third time is the CHARM) MOM Does!  She actually thanked his Mom for raising such a great man.  She loves him - And now we are her life- Me, my hubby, My kids, My grandkids - and her WONDERFUL Caretakers - They are Moms life now.  

So back to my first journal entry on 10/12/20 " The first day of the next phase of my life.  Everything changes, I am sure I will adapt.  I am praying that he recovers and can take care of my Mom with some help.  If he doesn't - I know everything will be okay, but I was just getting ready to finish my bedroom! (LOL DRAMATIC) You know I am so set in my ways, maybe this will be good for me - I need rest time - to relax and ride the wave of life.  (I follow Abraham-Hicks - look it up - AWESOME STUFF)

I read one more entry 

10/25/20 My stomach is in knots.  I don't know how to make it stop.  I'm not very good at change.  I need home - It doesn't matter what home - but I need my stuff.  Thank you Universe for being so amazing.  (note at bottom: My hero started sleeping here with me after 3 nights!) 

3 Nights!  3 days and nights and I was in an absolute TIZZY - But it wasn't the 3 nights - I sleep here 3 nights all the time now - it wasn't the 3 nights - it was the UNKNOWN - I didn't know they had money that was going to give Mom a couple of years.  I didn't know that she had $7K per MONTH in long term care insurance.  Mom always used to say "It's a process"  I need to learn to TRUST what Abraham Hicks says - that Everything ALWAYS Works out for me!  

My husband and I have decided its time to use that Insurance Money - I found a beautiful long term care facility with Memory so it will be covered by the policy.  It is $9K per month and the apartment is sooooo nice.  She can easily afford it with her social security and 2 pensions along with the funds from the sale of her house. All is WELL  All is WELL.  I explained to Mom on a daily basis that we are going to be getting her a condo - why should I upset her by saying Long term care?!  I said - no more yard because we can't keep up with it.  I tell her now that her husband is gone the house is too much for us.  Mom always said she didn't want to be a burden so she is agreeable.  

The apartment is beautiful - We bought her a beautiful bed set we are putting it together now so when a unit becomes available she will be used to it.  My daughters are going to help me set up her apartment like a mini version of her home.  All her best stuff!  I am going to buy an electronic frame to put on her wall.  I am going to start snapping photos of her pictures.  She can have her alexa, her tv, and she can have her cameras so I can peek in on her whenever I want. It has a fridge and pantry I can stock with her favorite goodies.   I can visit her - I can bring her out - I can sleep over!  They will try to get her to participate - but if she chooses not to they will let her stay in her apartment - and just keep attempting all day long.  

I'm going to create my future as I always have with my words (Abraham-Hicks) Mom is going to adjust so well.  Mom is going to make lots of friends.  Mom is going to THRIVE.  I am going to be a happy daughter coming to visit and pick her up to go shopping.  I am going to find a job in a gym in the same town so I am inspired every day to be and stay healthy and fit - and I will go see my Mom after work every day.  

No need for dramatics - EVERYTHING Always works out for me - and everything ALWAYS works out for my beautiful Mother.  Thank you God for always making that so!  I am so grateful. 

Her days are numbered

Her days are numbered.  No she's not failing, yes she's doing wonderful.  She's running out of CASH.  DAMNIT - She has to pay taxes, there were house repairs and that shortened 4 years to 2 1/2 years.  I could get a reverse mortgage but I need to be sure there is plenty of money if she has to pitch in for the very best place.  I also feel like while she is doing so well she can adjust to an assisted living situation.  So I will spend the next year getting the house ready for sale.  We are doing her landscaping ourselves to save $ - We are going to sell many of the contents to make it easier.  I am going to stay on until the house is sold. 

Mom is gonna transition to an assisted living facility with memory care.  I am going to spend as much time with her as I possibly can.  I am kind of lost as to what I will do when this phase is over.  I could try to work at the facility - or just drive there several times a week to visit.  Hopefully be able to take her out often.  

I am sorry Mom -I really wish I could have done better for you.  I wish I could have moved in here but hubby didn't want to and I do understand that.  I probably wouldn't have wanted to move in with his Mom either.  I know you would be miserable at my house - at least at a facility there will be activities and lots of people around.   I know you are going to be happy - I know you are going to enjoy it and there will be no regrets at all.  It is all going to work out the way it is supposed to.  

I love you so much Mom and I hope when you go to heaven you approve of what I did and what I tried to do for you.  You are my very best friend from the day I was born and forever.  I'm going to put this computer away and take you for a nice walk because that always makes both of us so happy. 

 

Thriving!

My Mom has made significant improvements since her husband passed, almost 8 months ago.  She used to get up and sit on her chair for hours singing her favorite ballads.  Lately she has been getting dressed, doing her hair, make up  putting on her sneakers and getting her purse.  She will stand in front of you like...well, where are we going today???  

I am not sure if it is the stress that went away, the warmer weather, the walking, the nutrition changes we made (cutting sugar and complex carbs)?  If you ask her she will say "its easy now - no stress.  Every once in a while, like when I am doing her toes - I will make a comment about what they looked like when I arrived.  I will say, nobody took care of you or your feet.  She would seem to know who "nobody" was.  Its strange.  Sometimes she pretends he's still alive she will say the man is coming home, or the man won't like that.  But I think thats her way of getting her way (leaving somewhere she doesn't want to be or nervous about changes we are making). 

Either way - she loves her live in caretaker - she loves my husband and I and "her babies".  She is getting to know my granddaughter on site - she sees us all so much more now.  She is very pleasant and happy, I couldn't be happier about how she is doing.  Her new doctor at Sparkle Health is wonderful.  I am a little nervous about spending her $$ on this.  But that is for another day!

She is getting restless - better go get dressed and figure out where to go walk on this 100 degree day!  The mall I think!

Month from Hell in a handbasket!

So - I am fast forwarding, eventually the gaps will fill - but I have been in charge of Moms care since New Years of 2020.  Her husband passed away on hospice and I moved in the week prior to his death.   Thank God they had some cash in a safe which allowed me to pay two ladies we found and I could go back to work.  They covered the days and my husband & I did the nights & weekends  (I have the worlds greatest husband).  You don't realize the toll it takes to put your whole family aside and uproot your life.  Not to mention the added stress from the actual unknown and having your Moms life and future in your hands. Even for a week - never mind an entire month (& beyond)  

We started digging into the finances.  This was a job in itself!  We were thrilled to find that Mom had a decent amount of money tucked away for her care - AND she has a long term care insurance policy.  The policy covers a decent amount, I actually had thought about trying to get her in a facility when her husband was alive because he was sick and her care was suffering greatly.  He said absolutely not he wants my Mom to die in the home.  (That is a blessing because that is what I want and I have zero problem spending every penny of her money making that happen).  We looked into 24-7 home care companies and doing the math realized quickly it wouldn't work for us.  

I bit the bullet and put an ad up on Care.Com.  I started searching caregivers and looking for the ones that had on their profiles that they were open to a live in position.  I sent a message to Moms current live in.  We talked over text, then we talked over the phone. We met in person with my whole family.   I checked all her references and they were glowing!!  The situation worked for her and it worked for Mom.  I hired her on the spot and she was to start on Feb 1st 2021!

HOW was it only a month since her husband had died?!  That could not be true!  Some of his family members just couldn't understand why I was in such a hurry.  Judging me, while offering no help and actually causing a ton of stress.  Yes they were grieving but I learned quickly that my Mom's husband did a great job of making sure nothing went smooth for myself or my Mother.  And also making himself out to be such a loving and misunderstood husband.  He tried to act like Mom not liking him was the illness.  He tried to act like he did nothing to cause the rift between my family and him!  Well here is the deal.  My Mom has her Angels on her side and they have my back!  I will win this ultimate battle and my Mom will have a wonderful love filled ending - even if it kills me!! Which it just may honestly my stress levels are through the roof.  He won't win this battle.  He made his bed, I am the most forgiving person in the world - but the things he did are not forgivable in my eyes.  

I am a Libra, I like peace, and harmony - happiness and roses!! This was none of the sort!  This was fear, and doubt and frustration and lonliness and stomachaches and self doubt, tossed with family drama caused by an angry vindictive man who's goal was to punish me from the grave.  I am a Libra - and if I want peace and love and harmony I have to learn to let that go - maybe even cough cough FORGIVE???? I don't know - thats for another day. 

The final heartbreak

September of  2011, Mom, Myself  My Moms sister (her best friend, my favorite Aunty) and her  daughters my cousins were heading to our annual Girls Weekend Away trip.    We knew there would be fun and laughter maybe some yelling, crying, fighting, you really never knew what was in store with us!  Spirited fun loving italian ladies "the kids" with two fun crazy sisters (our Moms) who shared with us their love of shopping and hunting bargains.  We left behind the husbands, children, jobs and responsibilites and  got ready to Shop till we Drop and Party into the night for the weekend. 

This weekend there were secrets revealed one to my Mom and one to all of us.  My Mom confided with us that her marraige of over 35 years was over and that it had been for 6+ years! She had explained that he moved out of their bedroom and into the spare bedroom without an explanation.  I still remember her stroking his neck as they danced to "Look at Us" by Vince Gill at their 25th Anniversary.  My Mom was head over heels for this man, she pretty much devoted her life to him.  She rushed us kids out the door as soon as we were of legal age.  She then wrapped herself up with him and  proceeded to have so much fun and relive her twenties that she missed out on by getting pregnant and ultimately marrying the wrong man.  She begged him to tell her why, what did she do that would cause him to leave and not speak with her. He finally did tell her, although what he had said wssn't true and he wouldn't believe her.  She often said she suspected he had a stroke, or something, she just couldn't wrap her head around it.  They lived a lie for years, it was a long slow tortured time for her,  I feel these years contributed to her withdrawal from life. 

The other secret we weren't privvy to was my Aunts health, she had a brain aneurism.  She confided in my Mom and we found out after Christmas that she was going to have surgery to fix it.  My Aunt died on the table and my mom may as well have died right next to her because life was never the same.  

I will cross that bridge when I get there...

For as long as I can remember my Mom has been my protector, my best friend, my confidant, my cheerleader!  She always lit up when she saw my face or heard my voice on the daily phone calls or shopping trips we have had over the years.  My Mom had a pretty rough beginning, she had some serious fun, she had some huge heartaches,  the final one being from the man she gave everyone up for.  I will tell our story over time, I am absolutely dedicated to giving her a happy ending - despite the horrific news she got,  and literally never even cared about.  

You see, my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease a few years ago.  As time goes on, I am beginning to doubt this diagnosis.  Am I in denial?  It is definitely possible.  But I decided to write this blog after I dove into Alzheimers, made myself want to throw up and cried myself to sleep after tossing the book the doctor recommended and the computer with all the horror stories aside.  My Mom always says (to this day) "this too shall pass" and "tomorrow is a new day" and everything will work itself out!  I heard her voice in my head and decided to embrace a new mantra and I remind myself often.  "I will cross that bridge when I get there"  I decided to live in the moment and enjoy the time and special moments I have left with my beautiful Mother.  I grieved her that night.  I grieved the relationship that we once had for as long as I can remember.  That Mom is gone, the tables have been turned, I am now the mother, best friend, protector and cheerleader to her. I do get glimpses from time to time, more often now than ever.  And I can still talk to her and she can give me her same soothing advice.  It's imbedded in her memory, or maybe she's just doing so much better lately, since the stress finally went out of her life.

I am no great writer by any way shape or form.  My vocabulary is pretty basic and honestly I have never been good at writing or knowing exactly where the comma's go and I am in love with the exclamation point.  I usually have to go back and take some out because I sound just waaaaay to excited.  I write run on sentences and switch from present to past tense in any given paragraph.  I will do my best to proof read and try to make sure it make sense and hope you don't hold it against me!  If I try too hard to have a perfect sentence, I feel like the content will suffer.   That being said my kids have told me over the years I can write a mean letter!!!  I feel things very deeply.  I analyze everything!  I am always looking for solutions and trying to fix problems and relationships (that matter to me).   I am pretty impulsive and sometimes I regret the things I do and say when I lose my temper.   Thank GOD the people who mean everything to me understand this about me and are loving and forgiving and take my temper tantrums with a grain of salt.  The ones that don't understand I honestly have no regrets about and have never tried to make amends with or apologize to.   These people wouldn't like to read this blog, they want to hate me and blame me for everything that went down.  I know the truth, and I pray they never even find this blog.  I hope the people who do find it are ones who have gotten this life changing news about themselves or a loved one - and they find comfort and hope from our story.  Hopefully they can decide to cross that bridge when they get there and try to live in the present.   

I always say my Mom's Angels are working overtime up there because the last 6 months has been nothing short of miraculous.  Thank you for all your help Aunty, Grampy and the rest of our Angels  <3 We love and miss you!!!